Sisters

I love taking photos of Lily with her new sister. Lily is a little more agreeable about having her photo taken these days with the baby here too. A couple of times as I've pulled out the camera she's protested my taking her picture and I've said, "Ok, I'll just take some of your sister..." and then suddenly she wants to be in the picture again! Oh yes, there is a hint of sibling rivalry already in the air! Lily is super sweet to her sister. Though she doesn't like to be called "Big sister." She declares: "I'm not a big sister, I'm not a big brother, I'm not a little sister! I'm Just Lily!" I try to bite my tongue as she interacts with the baby, but it's tough. She just doesn't always realize how strong or heavy she is in her delight over her sister. I love to hear her giggle over something Sierra has done and how cute she is! Here's an onslaught of sister photos from Sierra's first month or so:

First day home. 

After visiting us in the hospital my mom told Lily Sierra would be coming home the next day. Lily asked, "And will she be here the next day, too?"

Singing made up songs to entertain Sierra

Makes me think back to these ones taken by my dad...

Sisters are so awesome. I'm glad Lily and Sierra will have each other as they grow. Of course my sister and I were a lot closer in ages. Check this out - in cribs at the same time...

My mom said she'd come in and find us 'talking' to each other this way in the morning. Lily and Sierra are a few extra years apart, but I hope they'll end up being close sisters. It's good to have someone else to talk to whose been through almost the same experiences as you having grown up in the same family.

I know I have some more cute sister photos since I started this post (Sierra is just growing cuter), but I'll have to go through them later - got to get back to my girls :)

First Bath

Sierra's first bath:
--By the way this is looking back. Don't worry, we aren't just getting around to bathing our baby - I'm just getting around to blogging about it :)

Getting ready!

Sweet love from her big sister

No photos from the bath itself - we didn't have any extra hands and were just focused on it being a good experience.

Getting dried off in her crib

Me with Sierra all dressed and dry, waving to the camera!

Lily was so cute wanting to help, and not too happy - as she expressed to us - to be stuck holding the rubber duck, but I'm glad that's all we had her do that first time! Sierra is great for baths - I think she really likes them. She doesn't cry like Lily did the first bath (and many others I can remember) so I think I got better at giving them. (I still remember Lily's little red face with the binky in her mouth and how nervous I was her first bath!) I was definitely more flustered last night when Lily really helped for the first time. Sierra ended up with water poured all over her face and cried for the first time in the bath, but it wasn't so bad or entirely Lily's fault - I'm just glad that wasn't the first time. I think we've established that baths = nice to Sierra. Despite her rocky start, Lily loves baths now too!

Lily had a blast splashing and playing with toys in the leftover bathwater while Sierra dried off.

Lily's first bath
( I didn't have a blog back then)

Adjusting

So, bringing a new baby into the house is a major adjustment. The second baby isn't as much of an adjustment in some ways as the first baby was... She doesn't seem as mysterious or fascinating. It's not that we don't love you Sierra, you're just easier to read! Now that we have a little experience. When the first baby cried endlessly for no apparent reason we cried out in sleep deprived torment: "Why are you crying!!!!???" When the second baby cries like that we casually comment: "She must be gassy." ...as we throw her up on our shoulders to burp her or give her some gas drops.

It is easier in many ways. But we are still finding it way hard. The dynamic of our family is changed and it's taking a lot of getting used to. We were in tight quarters already - add a pack n play, diaper champ and piles of endless baby laundry to the mix. I can't keep up with Lily's messes. She pulls out all the toys and arranges them around the house in creative ways. I am grateful she is at good at entertaining herself as she is, and at the same time I feel a lot of guilt for not giving her more attention. Now, and in the past. She is a super sweet big sister, she has only shown sweetness to the baby, but she is having a hard time with this change. We all are.

Though Sierra is a dream of a newborn where sleep is concerned, it is still rough not getting our usual uninterrupted sleep. Breastfeeding what feels like and almost is all day long. Diapers again after being done with them. Not feeling like I can start doing anything because I will most likely be pulled away from it and just have to stop and then just have to put away whatever I may have gotten out. It took us three hours to do a simple shopping trip to Target the other night - stopping to feed Sierra twice. Won't be doing that again... it was not a good idea to head out shopping that time of night. It's good to know some of these difficult things are just temporary.

Yesterday with Lily was really tough. She is not using good methods to try to get her way lately, and she is very persistent. I think I need to start keeping a personal journal so someday when we talk to our kids about our memories we can explain how it went down from our point of view and they can know what a hard time they were giving us - so they can understand that we weren't just meanies, but trying to be good parents. Even if we don't feel like we are doing a very good job. I must admit I find myself getting trapped in power struggles with her over stuff that I should have just let go.

I'm not going into all our personal details, all the circumstances that are making life so hard for us right now. I know other moms and dads out there deal with way worse, but we have our own challenges that have just gotten harder and we are struggling. I am grateful to have these 2 beautiful healthy girls in my life, but I'm also just trying to get through this time day by day. Hoping it is just a rough spot. Hoping that our lives will get better. Wondering how I can make time to do things I see other moms seem to do for their children so easily. Why do some things that should be so simple seem so hard for me? Trying to figure out how to be a better mom, and wife, and daughter, and sister, and self! Trying not to feel so overwhelmed.

Feeling pretty down today. Finding it pretty hard even to smile. So I'm putting that feeling out there for other moms who may be feeling the same way. I know sometimes all the beautiful photos of my daughters and posts about birthdays and holidays may make our life seem much more perfect than it is. It so isn't. But somehow I will pull myself out of my negative thought spiral again, and again, and try not to be too hard on myself, and to remember all the blessings I have. Remember that our life is good! And enjoy the sweet moments. This may be my last little baby and I am enjoying all the sweet snuggles and smiles I can when I remember that! Lily at almost 4! is so smart and cute and funny! She seems so much bigger and more grown up now with the baby in the house, but sometimes for a moment she seems even younger than she did before. I am trying not to lose perspective of how precious these girls are so I can look past the tough exhausting stuff and savor this time in their lives. I hear about horrible things happening to little kids in other families on the news and I just want to hug my girls tighter, and do all I can to protect them and help them grow up safe and happy. Then I don't feel like such a terrible mom. I love my kids and want to do my best for them. Being a parent is the toughest job ever!

Sierra's first day going to church

Lily did not want her picture taken, but I was determined to snap a few...

Snagged a few photos my Dad took before Lily got sick of the camera

3 weeks old

Sweet big sister!

Our lives have changed forever again

And I have a lot to post about it... How we are adjusting, cute baby photos, baby firsts, funny things Lily has said, etc. But most of the time I'd rather be sleeping than blogging. Things are already getting better though in our life with a newborn. Sierra is over a month now and is actually starting to sleep pretty well through the night.  I really don't want to jinx it by posting about it so I will not assume we are out of the woods yet, but she had an 8 hour period the other night and I think 6 or 7 hours last night - hence me being awake at this hour tonight to do a little blogging. Just a little. I will be going to bed here in just a few minutes so most of it will have to wait for another time. Just wanted to throw something up here. So I'll start with a few fun comparison shots of my babies. Let's face it - we can't help comparing our kids and it's fun to see how alike and different they are - so I went back to when Lily was first born and found these photos:

The First Day

Sierra was born a few ounces heavier and just a tad longer than Lily, even though she came a day earlier than she was due and Lily came 10 days late. When she was first born I thought she looked a lot different than Lily - a little more like I did when I was born, but as she's gotten bigger I think she looks a lot more like Lily. But we don't think Lily when we look at Sierra. They are definitely distinct personalities.  Hoping they will get along as they grow!

Around the one month mark.

Sierra is a much better eater than Lily was so I think she is filling out faster. Let's hope she continues to be - Lily is so picky! I'm sorry, Lily - I hated when my parents called me picky, which they did a lot when I was growing up! I won't hold it against you -- it just doesn't make life easy.

Look-Alikes

Similar, but different. Two distinct individuals looking out of those baby blues. My babies are born with practically no eyelashes and pale ones that gradually grow longer and darker. Lily's are soot black now and pretty long. She gets that from her dad, mine are blonde at the ends, curse them! I hate wearing mascara - my eyes are too sensitive and it gives me headaches.

I knew you would find that profoundly interesting. Deep thoughts on motherhood are not for this time of night. They will have to wait for the next time I can snag a few minutes. Until then - know that we are hanging in there, and our kids (the girls) are only getting cuter if not always easier to live with.

Who knew?

Who knew...

That after my OB visit last Thursday where the midwife reported no more progress than since the last week (half a centimeter and still long) that my water would break the next day!

Before

After

Who knew this little girl would be so cute!?

Baby Sierra

Lily was 10 long days (of on and off contractions and little sleep) late. I finally had to get pitocin to get her here, and I fully expected Miss Sierra to be overdue too, but sometimes nature has other plans. Sierra was born 1 day early - and I am so glad! For many reasons, but mostly that now instead of worrying what is going on inside my belly - I can just look at her to see that she is ok...and that I can just look at her! She is so beautiful! There is something about a tiny newborn.

So I guess Miss Sierra's early arrival was partly due to a full moon. The hospital was packed with women having babies! Extra nurses were called in, and they were even running low on stuff. But we lucked out and got to labor and stay in the same big private room with a view of lovely pine branches the whole time. Good timing, Sierra! I did get a low dose of pitocin to make the contractions work harder, but my water breaking was helping a lot with that and they eventually had to turn it off altogether. I also opted for the epidural. Best decision ever! I was so nervous about it, and after I got it I was shaking and couldn't stop for a while, but when that wore off I was good. I had to be monitored in bed anyway being on pitocin, and this time I was able to think, and know what I was doing when I was pushing, and enjoy my baby after she was born! It still hurt to push the baby out, but it was so much better! Last time I ended up getting a little bit of IV drugs to help me sleep - which was when I finally dilated enough for Lily to come out. I felt so out of it when I woke up and it was time to push right then - it was the most painful experience of my life, and I guess Lily was sunny-side up too. So I am a fan of the epidural. Thank heaven for modern medicine! The drugs don't pass to the baby either like the IV drugs probably do - so in a way it was a more natural delivery than last time. So grateful to my sister and sister in law and my mom and Mike of course for being there for me while I labored! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family!!!

And here is the newest addition - pictures do not do justice to her sweetness. We are in love with this tiny little person!

Baby Burrito in the hospital bed

Lily sees her sister for the first time!

Such a sweet chill baby girl!

So tiny and precious!