Reflections

The sun came out today, spilled across my counter and got my attention quick. Just ask Sierra, I shouted for joy, I sang. I basked in it as long as I could because the skies have been pretty dark and overcast most of the winter! I dreamt I was in southern California last night with Mike and my kids out in front of my parents house thinking how nice it was to be in the warmth and sunshine escaping the winter. I maybe miss that a little bit :) The different seasons are fun and make you appreciate the good weather even more, but I prefer shorter, sunnier winters - I'm very much a sunshine girl. I remember one afternoon when I was maybe 10 or 11... I was out in my backyard on a chilly spring day laying out on the trampoline as clouds passed overhead. I made up a song to sing the sun to make it come back out again. I still sing it sometimes. It is amazing the difference sunlight makes! The warmth and beauty and joy that mix of sunshine and shadow add to the landscape. I can't wait until spring is really here, and summer! I'm really looking forward to experiencing our first summer in our own home. We kind of moved in at the tail end of it last year and were too busy getting settled to really enjoy it. Need to get planning a garden!

Time is marching on. I was looking back through old blog posts and photos of my kids and how much they've grown over the last year or so. They look so much older to me! And have grown in so many ways. My baby is not such a baby! She's about half as tall as me and Lily's even taller! Sierra's been attending a little dance class and can be so independent at times. Tonight she shared 2 of her stuffed animals with her Dad and I because we didn't have any, and she sang Angels We Have Heard on High to tuck me in. It was super cute. One of those times you wish you had hidden cameras you could signal to start recording because you wish you could save it, but don't really want to spoil the moment. I just drunk it in and shared smiles with her big sister over her lyrics - she is so stinkin' cute! They both are.

I made homemade granola for the first time today. It was good! More nuts & a little more vanilla next time. Thinking about making my own granola bars in the future. 

I am getting closer to finally making a quilt for Sierra. Too late to do a baby size one so I am skipping ahead to twin size and planning one for Lily at the same time, and maybe a new one for us too because ours is pretty tattered. Need to make some pillow shams, and bed skirts and new curtains. And a doll like my old Lisa my mom made that I passed on to Lily for Sierra, and finish that dress, and... Hoping my over-ambitiousness doesn't halt my progression... Trying to make shorter action lists just for one day at a time so I don't feel overwhelmed :) Most days it's just the day to day household stuff and no special extra projects for me before I'm wiped out. Trying to not go to bed when my kids do, and not stay up too late when I do stay up. Here I am doing that very thing. It's hard to balance! Wonder what it's going to be like when my kids are teenagers staying up later themselves... Wish I could freeze time sometimes and get more things done and get my sleep in! Ah, life :)

A Little Artsy

If you know me well you know I'm something of an artist. I've always loved to draw and create, but I haven't done much drawing or painting since I graduated from college. Honestly, I've never been all about drawing and painting, or sculpture either. There have been times in my school career where the only art I would do was what I was assigned, and I'd sometimes struggle to complete that. Pretty immature of me to pick Art as my major. (Doh!) It's always felt kind of wrong for me to say "I'm an artist." Silly, silly... but I wouldn't say I'm "crafty" either. That just makes me think of scrap-booking and painted wood decor knick-knacks with raffia and something hot glued.

I do love to create, but it doesn't matter to me if it's sewing, cooking, homemade cards, building something...I like to mix it up! But I do get a lot of satisfaction from making something I imagined into a reality. (My daughters are my best creation, but I can't take all the credit!) Since having kids I have made some things here and there, but honestly I spend most of my time attending to their needs and just keeping up with day to day responsibilities. Those wipe me out much of the time! I just can't stay up late like I used to anymore, and I face life so much better after a good night's sleep!

I've been looking forward for a long time to having our own place so I could have space to spread out and make stuff when I want to. Living with family I never felt right leaving a big project spread out in the main/shared part of the house, and there wasn't a lot of room in our packed little spaces to do a lot of things. Plus materials cost money which we've always tried to save...so projects were minimal. If I needed to spend a late night up sewing a costume in time for Halloween it was done sitting on the edge of our bed sewing machine propped on my lowered ironing board with Mike trying to sleep on the other side. What a patient guy! Not that he enjoyed it, but he put up with it :) This year's costumes I was able to sew out on the dining room table while Mike slumbered undisturbed in the other room - hopefully! So nice to have other rooms! I stayed up until about 4 am two nights in a row to get the costumes done in time for Lily to attend her new Dentist office's Halloween party that she was really set on going to. The house was such a disaster by the time I got them done I know it was driving both of us crazy, but Mike didn't complain once! And I didn't go all ballistic on the kids over stupid little stuff in my sleep deprived state...though it was close once! I was pretty proud of both of us over that.

Anyway, I finally put paintbrush to canvas this last month for the first time in like...(I'm thinking...) ...14 or so years!?  Craziness.  Mike is the painter, but I wanted some cheap art for my girl's bathroom to coordinate their cute whale shower curtain and the new towels I bought Lily & Sierra before it came in from online that totally didn't match it -- and I saw some blank canvases for cheap at Ross so I bought them and then I was committed. Bathroom art for kids is much less intimidating than a more fine art painting. I had a vision of what I wanted, got me some cheap acrylics and cheap brushes, got a little inspiration off the internet, planned out my 2 paintings in Photoshop and one night went to it. My first layer on both paintings looked ... really bad. I got a little discouraged, and the next night Mike took pity and agreed to take over one of my paintings for me. But I didn't want to totally release control of my vision... So then we were both up late listening to music and painting together for the first time since we were in art class together, and it was totally fun! Why have we not done this more? Oh, well, lots of reasons, but I'd definitely like to do it more now :) Well, Mike's turned out a little different than I had envisioned, but still super cute...though I think he would rather I not share his hand in it since it is totally not his style of art! Too late! I think the world will forgive him since it just shows what a devoted husband and dad he is. I was pretty happy with how mine turned out too! Much better than I anticipated after that first night! I'm glad I kept at it. Still need something else to fill the walls, but the paintings make it much cheerier in there for my girls who are sometimes afraid of going alone to the bathroom. The one room in my house with no windows had to be their bathroom! I so wish it had a skylight every time I walk by the door!

So the colors look better in person than in my photos, but what do you think?

Fun fact: I totally doubled the mermaid painting as a reminder for Mike as to which color towel belongs to which of our girls. --A big deal for Lily, and possible the main reason she even likes the painting...they never react how you'd expect them to... ;)

I'd like to do some more painting and projects soon, but right now I'm just hoping Mike and Sierra get over their current colds, and that I get over my most recent back strain! Hoping for a good night's sleep!

Too Fast and Too slow

Some things in life right now are just speeding by so fast I often wish I could just freeze them in their tracks and take more time to enjoy them or do more for them. Like my kids. I feel like they are growing too fast for me to teach them all the things I want to and for me to spend enough time enjoying all the fun stages that are changing all too soon. Some of their stages can't pass quickly enough... like potty training for instance, but you take the good with the bad - they're your kids! Other things just can't happen fast enough and make this limbo stage we're in feel like it's dragging on FOREVER - like finally finding a home of our own and moving into it, growing our income so we have more options for said home, and getting over one illness after another 1 or more of us have been having lately. --I could really go for a long stretch just feeling normal!

I haven't been blogging much because I have been sick a lot, and tired (and apparently really low on vitamin D!), and along with it all feeling kinda down... and when I feel down I don't really know what to say on here. On my blog I like to be real, but I also like to look on the bright side and share my best rather than feeling like I'm throwing a pity party for myself or complaining about all the things in my life that are getting me down, and worrying my friends and family unnecessarily -- or on the flip side giving the impression that all is well, and my life is perfect - which isn't true either. Life is a mixed bag of wonderful and woeful moments. But when I'm feeling in a thoughtful writing mood the feelings that are most pressing in my mind are what I automatically try to put into words, and some things are just too personal to put out there or sound stupid when you do because you know there are so many people out there going though SO much worse so even though my trials are hard for me I feel like a whiner sharing them on a public forum. I'm just not a good enough writer to always know what to share and what not to - it takes a lot of effort. And honestly being a mom is work enough for me each day! Hence the no blogging lately. But I enjoy blogging and want to record things our family is doing to remember and share, and I know I'm not the only one out there who gets down and it sometimes helps to share it. So this is my throwing myself out there again. Hoping to blog more often and not just on holidays and birthdays, but we will see... I'm hard enough on myself as it is to add lack of blogging to my guilt list - it is there, but I'm trying not to let myself feel bad over it :)

I'm so grateful for Mike and my wonderful daughters for their love and good opinion of me. I know I'm not a terrible mother, but I feel I fall short in so many ways. I really feel it -- overwhelmingly hard sometimes. At times I feel like such a fun sucker, like my smile is too absent, and like I'm barely present by the end of our sometimes gruelingly long bedtime routine...but even though I'm probably too hard on her, every night Lily gives me the sweetest hug and whispers "You're the best mom ever!" in my ear. I know it's not true, but it sure is good to hear! I love my kids so much and I want to be the best mom ever. And in those moments when I feel like I don't know if I can ever be the mom I feel I need to be, it helps to remember that they want me anyway, perfect or not - at least I'm there loving them and trying! And however picky and whiny and over-dramatic they can get - they really do love me and count on me and do better because of my efforts.

I really liked the perspective someone shared on a friend of mine's facebook post the other day - she said: "Kids need imperfect mamas so that they can learn how to deal with and relate to all the imperfect people in the world. I do not believe in mommy guilt. I try my best everyday, sometimes my best can vary wildly, but I try and I love and I try. I hope that my kids will see my imperfections and know that it is okay for them to be imperfect too. That they don't have to be perfect to be loved. This is a lesson that a perfect mother could never teach, only one who loves her children."  I thought that was a lovely and healthy way to look at this really hard and really important job we're doing. Didn't realize where this train of thought would end up, but since it ended up being about moms I'll throw in a nice video I happened across today. The next time I blog I'll post some cute videos and pictures and funny things my kids have been saying in between tantrums lately, because they really are adorable, and a post like that is long overdue! :)


Thank you to my Mom, and Mike's and my Grandmommy and Grandma for being such great mothers and for inspiring me! I'm so grateful to be Lily & Sierra's mom!

What's up

So I had a goal to do more and blog more, and things have been going pretty well. Part of my goal (inside my head) was to just be happy with what I did get done each day even if it wasn't as much as I'd hoped for. I have been trying to do at least one extra (non-basic) thing each day - though some of my non-basic things are probably other people's basic things...

I actually have been blogging more - I just haven't posted all that many. I have a hard time keeping things short - and sometimes as I start writing things and getting personal I have to think about what I really want to include for the public eye and what not to, or I just want to add some photos or more stories and don't have time to. So I have a few unpublished drafts.

Just wanted to do a quick (for me) update unpublished drafts aside. Some random things so I don't go overboard with it.

I've started exercising again! I'm using TV shows I can watch on my Ipod to motivate me - saving them up for when I'm riding the recumbent bike.

It seems like whenever I especially want to get more things done the thing I most need to do more is sleep. However, I think when I do get more sleep it actually helps me lose weight. Just need Sierra to consistently cooperate.

Sierra has passed the 9 month mark and I need to post some new pictures because I have some super cute ones! She has 6 teeth and is working on 7 - 10. Today I walked out of the living room for a second and when I came back in she was standing on top of a storage container of toys Mike sticks in front of a little decorative table of my parents in order to block her from it - hands up on the table to reach some books she wanted to eat. Man, she looked tall. They just grow faster, I think, the more kids you have. She still hasn't figured out that she could easily crawl under the ottoman that we use to block her in the front room, but unfortunately she is getting closer to learning how to crawl up and over it. She is so much more into everything than Lily was as a baby. I figured that would happen - though Lily is getting more into everything now!

Lily has been running a non-stop valentine shop for 3 days - making valentines for friends and family. She couldn't wait for me to help. She is so excited for tomorrow. We're spending the day as a family and planning to use our passes to go to the zoo. Mike has been working so hard trying to launch his new career - like all day every day...he is either working at it or thinking about it - it will be nice to have a day just to think about our family and have some fun!

Lily got to a hard spot in the reading lessons we have been doing. Not that the material was that much harder, maybe just a little monotonous. She's been having a hard time staying focused on her lessons so much that they started to take about 4 times as long as they should with us all getting way too frustrated. I really didn't want to give up on them when she hadn't finished them all and she was so close to getting her promised reward, but I seriously considered it. I don't want to make reading something she dreads - though with her love for library books I doubt that will really happen once she gets more proficient. We tried different unsuccessful methods of motivating her, and then switched things up by alternating days with some math lessons too. Finally I figured out just reformatting the lesson in the book on a piece of paper so it didn't have all the instructions for the parent and it looked shorter, and skipping some of the repetitiveness has helped her get though it much better. I've also learned a few techniques in the way I talk to her about it that help her get back on track. If I can just remember what worked and what didn't :) I think she will make it through the end and get her trip to the movies. And she's gotten better at counting and recognizing numbers - she no longer skips 15!

So we're plugging along, thoughts of Kindergarten looming on the horizon. Getting used to being a family of four and trying to get used to new responsibilities and make new routines. Oh, life! I am so glad for silly little holidays that mean so much to kids and the kid in me and remind us to do a little something extra fancy and fun now and again. Hope you all have a lovely Valentine's!

Hanging in there

I know I haven't been blogging much lately, but wanted you all to know I'm still living! I am currently suffering from a pretty bad cold, worse because you are limited to what kind of medications you can take when you are pregnant - and I am probably even more paranoid about what's recommended than I need to be. Thank heaven for lotion tissues and Mike. He has been so helpful with Lily the last several days so that I can rest. Lily has been super sweet too. I feel so guilty not giving her as much attention as usual and expect her to be huffy with me, but then she just gives me kisses and tells me she loves me, my sweet girl! At least getting a cold right now means it will (hopefully) be gone by Christmas! I just hate getting yummy treats in my stocking on Christmas Day and not feeling like I can eat them because all the sugar will keep me from getting better. Christmas dinner just doesn't taste as good with a cold in the head either. I just want to feel good and be able to join in Lily's excitement on Christmas Day! I'm praying Mike and Lily don't get sick!

I definitely look pregnant now, and have past the halfway mark! (Sorry, no pictures) We have the ultrasound to find out if the baby is a boy or girl right before Christmas, so I am super excited for that Christmas present! Lily is growing up so fast, there are so many moments where I just have to stand back and look at her and marvel, and remember she is still only 3! We have some fun conversations about the baby. She talks to my tummy and points out things in the room to the baby. I explain that the baby can't see through my tummy, and that it doesn't know what those things are yet, but when he/or/she comes out he/or/she will know her (Lily) because he/or/she will recognize her voice. I'm really looking forward to knowing if the baby is a he or a she, because I just don't like calling a baby "it," and it sure gets tedious saying he/or/she all the time... Lily really wants a sister. (Boys are yucky - except her Dad, and Mikey, and all the other boys in her family when she thinks about it.) Mike thinks it's a girl - he was right about Lily... Just like before - I am holding out to know for sure. I wouldn't want my little baby up in heaven to think I didn't want it because boy or girl I will love it so much!

Less than 2 weeks to Christmas! Hope you all are having a merry month!

Busy Busy

Life has been crazy busy the last couple of weeks. Mostly good busy, but exhausting nevertheless. We've been trying to do all the things I thought we didn't have time for - whether we had the time or not! Well, almost all the things... We moved our stationery business (paperpow.com) over to Zazzle and are in the process of moving out our inventory. No more paper in the closet or shipping out orders! Anyone want to buy some of our discounted stock!? Mike and I have now been officially married for 10 years! That's right, we've hit a decade! Our "living" room has undergone a much needed transformation. That makes it sound like it magically changed itself - let me make clear: we did the labor. We are still putting on the finishing touches (I am currently typing from a step stool pulled up to my window sill - not so comfortable, so this will be brief), but it is bright and homey - and there is room to breathe! And dance! Well enough room for the 3 of us to dance - not too wildly :) Now I am planning a birthday party for my favorite almost 3 year old girl. To top it all off Mike has been working extra long hours in this oppressive heat. Why everyone all of the sudden wants their windows cleaned urgently when the weather turns scorching is beyond me, but you take the work when you can get it! Dreaming of rainy days with Mike painting in the studio. Dreaming of a few days with absolutely nothing to do! We seriously need some rest. My back hurts. Heading to bed now...

Survival Mode

Blogging hasn't been on the top of my priority list for a little while. A lot of things that are usually at the top kind of dropped off as well. It's funny how when something goes wrong you find it so much easier to let a lot of things go! You just do the basics. I call it Survival Mode. --Not that I usually over-schedule myself, or really feel like I accomplish all that much in a usual day... I like to think that's a good thing. Sometimes I think we try to do too much. I have to share this quote I just love:

"Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home.

Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world's goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying.

These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord's kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power." ~Julie B. Beck, "Mothers Who Know"

Not that I'm an all knowing mother or always make the most of my time with Lily, but at least I'm not allowing too many extra distractions into our life. Though some definitely make us a happier family :)

Life is getting back to normal again, and it's kind of a funny story so I thought I'd record it here.

Mike went into the emergency room in extreme pain because of a kidney stone. He was there most of the day because they told him it was too big to pass on it's own. When the urologist finally showed up 'to give us options' he said Mike could pass it and sent him home with some pain medicine and an order to drink water. Well, if you know anything about kidney stones the pain is comparable to labor -- and that's what it looked like! Mike was laboring that baby out, and we didn't think it was going to come out on it's own. The pain medicine they originally gave him made him feel even worse. He could hardly eat, and because of the medicine what he did eat wasn't coming back out again - if you know what I'm talking about..  It was difficult for him to down the water because he felt so full. He was in a lot of pain, he was lightheaded and dizzy. He couldn't work in that condition, and we didn't know how long it was going to last, how we would afford treatment, or how long we could afford or Mike could bear not treating it! After a week an x-ray did not show much progress. The urologist told him a story about a guy who lived with a stone for 15 years, and didn't want to see him back again for a month, and Mike felt like it was stuck. On top of that add the stress about money. I was feeling pretty sick about that too. Mike felt a lot better after he stopped taking the narcotics and was bearing the pain with Tylenol and ibuprofen. We were waiting it out, trying every home remedy we could come up with (that didn't make Mike gag), and contemplating a trip to Mexico (maybe they could treat him for a more reasonable price). 

Enter bees. Mike discovered a bee in the bathroom, killed it, and came out to find about ten more buzzing around our living room, and about ten more in the kitchen. What the heck!? Where were they coming from!? And in my stressed out state I couldn't help thinking: "Why me? What next? Are we being plagued for goodness sake!?" Lily was just waking up from a nap so I rushed her outside, as Mike leaped around the house in his robe, adrenalin pumping, fighting off bees with an old fly swatter. Bees were coming in through our fireplace, hundreds were swarming around the chimney outside! Mike and I blocked off their entry with a garbage bag and duct tape, and the situation was under control. Mike thought after all that exertion he actually felt better. And the next time he peed -- out came a pretty large stone! So far the bees haven't been back... and I'm thinking maybe, instead of a plague, they were a blessing in disguise. If they do come back at least we know a good bee guy :)

Whether his battle with the bees shook it out or one of the other things we tried finally worked - we are so grateful!!! It's such a relief not to have to pay crazy amounts of money to get it out! (On top of the crazy amount of money they are charging just for the diagnosis!) Mike is out of pain and will hopefully never get another stone again! He's certainly got the motivation not to... and the next time we have some out-of-the-blue emergency we plan to be prepared and have insurance!