Adjusting

So, bringing a new baby into the house is a major adjustment. The second baby isn't as much of an adjustment in some ways as the first baby was... She doesn't seem as mysterious or fascinating. It's not that we don't love you Sierra, you're just easier to read! Now that we have a little experience. When the first baby cried endlessly for no apparent reason we cried out in sleep deprived torment: "Why are you crying!!!!???" When the second baby cries like that we casually comment: "She must be gassy." ...as we throw her up on our shoulders to burp her or give her some gas drops.

It is easier in many ways. But we are still finding it way hard. The dynamic of our family is changed and it's taking a lot of getting used to. We were in tight quarters already - add a pack n play, diaper champ and piles of endless baby laundry to the mix. I can't keep up with Lily's messes. She pulls out all the toys and arranges them around the house in creative ways. I am grateful she is at good at entertaining herself as she is, and at the same time I feel a lot of guilt for not giving her more attention. Now, and in the past. She is a super sweet big sister, she has only shown sweetness to the baby, but she is having a hard time with this change. We all are.

Though Sierra is a dream of a newborn where sleep is concerned, it is still rough not getting our usual uninterrupted sleep. Breastfeeding what feels like and almost is all day long. Diapers again after being done with them. Not feeling like I can start doing anything because I will most likely be pulled away from it and just have to stop and then just have to put away whatever I may have gotten out. It took us three hours to do a simple shopping trip to Target the other night - stopping to feed Sierra twice. Won't be doing that again... it was not a good idea to head out shopping that time of night. It's good to know some of these difficult things are just temporary.

Yesterday with Lily was really tough. She is not using good methods to try to get her way lately, and she is very persistent. I think I need to start keeping a personal journal so someday when we talk to our kids about our memories we can explain how it went down from our point of view and they can know what a hard time they were giving us - so they can understand that we weren't just meanies, but trying to be good parents. Even if we don't feel like we are doing a very good job. I must admit I find myself getting trapped in power struggles with her over stuff that I should have just let go.

I'm not going into all our personal details, all the circumstances that are making life so hard for us right now. I know other moms and dads out there deal with way worse, but we have our own challenges that have just gotten harder and we are struggling. I am grateful to have these 2 beautiful healthy girls in my life, but I'm also just trying to get through this time day by day. Hoping it is just a rough spot. Hoping that our lives will get better. Wondering how I can make time to do things I see other moms seem to do for their children so easily. Why do some things that should be so simple seem so hard for me? Trying to figure out how to be a better mom, and wife, and daughter, and sister, and self! Trying not to feel so overwhelmed.

Feeling pretty down today. Finding it pretty hard even to smile. So I'm putting that feeling out there for other moms who may be feeling the same way. I know sometimes all the beautiful photos of my daughters and posts about birthdays and holidays may make our life seem much more perfect than it is. It so isn't. But somehow I will pull myself out of my negative thought spiral again, and again, and try not to be too hard on myself, and to remember all the blessings I have. Remember that our life is good! And enjoy the sweet moments. This may be my last little baby and I am enjoying all the sweet snuggles and smiles I can when I remember that! Lily at almost 4! is so smart and cute and funny! She seems so much bigger and more grown up now with the baby in the house, but sometimes for a moment she seems even younger than she did before. I am trying not to lose perspective of how precious these girls are so I can look past the tough exhausting stuff and savor this time in their lives. I hear about horrible things happening to little kids in other families on the news and I just want to hug my girls tighter, and do all I can to protect them and help them grow up safe and happy. Then I don't feel like such a terrible mom. I love my kids and want to do my best for them. Being a parent is the toughest job ever!

Sierra's first day going to church

Lily did not want her picture taken, but I was determined to snap a few...

Snagged a few photos my Dad took before Lily got sick of the camera

3 weeks old

Sweet big sister!